Unshaven and on the Loose
by Itami Kitsune
Summary: Remus Lupin, a new teacher at Hogwarts, is rather fond of his moustache. That is, until he finds out that it's alive - and working for Voldemort. How hard will it be to stop his moustache from wreaking havoc upon Hogwarts? Harder than he expected...Collab
1. Prologue

**Unshaven and on the Loose  
**  
**Type: Collaboration parody of PoA.  
  
Summary: Remus Lupin, a new teacher at Hogwarts, is rather fond of his moustache. That is, until he finds out that it's alive - and working for Voldemort. How hard will it be to stop his moustache from wreaking havoc upon Hogwarts? Harder than he expected...  
  
A/N: Hey everyone! This is Tani, one of the two authors of this fic! As in other collabs, me and Itami are going to be taking turns writing a chapter each. We both have rather different writing styles, and different ways of spelling moustache [she spells it without the o], so you'll have to put up with it! Lol. Hope you enjoy!**

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Prologue  
  
The wind whistled down the dark, deserted street. Generally, one does not associate the wind with an emotion, but it was clear to see that each gust of air was feeling ominous. It was as though it knew what was going on in the shadows of the alley close by. Crisp autumn leaves swirled with the wind as it attacked this alley as well. It upset the dustbins, which creaked with apprehension.  
  
For they, too, could sense what was about to happen.  
  
In the darkest part of the shadows in the alley, right out of light's reach, something evil was being created. Where it came from, how it came to be, nobody would know, but if someone had to guess, they'd probably say 'Hell'. For where else could a living moustache be generated?  
  
And not just a tuft of lip-hair, mind you. This living moustache was no laughing matter. It had a will of its own, and an evil one at that. It could even speak. Yet it could not move – nothing more than a twitch. That is, until it was stumbled upon by a certain Dark Lord by the name of Voldemort.  
  
Voldemort found the moustache terribly amusing at first (morbidly so) and took it to his lair to find out what dark magic it possessed. After a bit of a ...chat... he decided that this hair-tuft, however unpromising it looked at first glance, could prove to be quite useful. He cast upon it some form of the Mobulus charm, enabling it to move whenever it willed to do so and sent it on its way to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry – one of the few locations that the Dark Lord himself had no access to, save through his Death-Eaters-in-training who were still undergoing their education. It had a will of its own – it was to do whatever it found to be useful in conveying the Dark Lord vital information about the other side's, especially Dumbledore's plans.  
  
And that was how it all began.  
  
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Seventh year was quite a turning point for Remus Lupin. Voldemort, a ruthless mass-murderer, was beginning to show his true colours with more and more murders each day. Remus wanted to become an Auror after graduating from Hogwarts, but he knew that his symptom would hold him back. He couldn't be available 24/7 like other people – especially on nights of a full moon, when he just wasn't... _himself._  
  
He pondered over his future for the umpteenth time as he stood bent over the counter in the Prefect's bathroom. It was on this rainy evening in May during which Remus had decided to shave away that annoying moustache and goatee that had begun to sprout a couple of years ago. They hadn't really bothered him much until now – especially since the hairs were getting darker.  
  
James had taught him a Shaving Charm that could take away any bodily hair – and keep it away for up to a month – that proved to be rather useful. He aimed his wand at his chin first, and it painlessly zapped away a small area of hair. Remus wondered how long it would take for a girl to shave her legs using such a small-scale charm. Then again, there may be a girls-only or larger-area version of the Shaving Charm...  
  
He shrugged and kept 'shaving'. A short while after, he checked his face, running his hands over his mouth and chin. Satisfied, he turned and headed to the seventh-year boys' dormitory.  
  
Finally, after much observation and ridicule on the part of his fellow Marauders, Remus hopped in bed and fell asleep.  
  
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It was that same night during which the moustache had decided to make its move. Before it had set off, the Dark Lord had given the living moustache a list of specific targets. The first, of course, was Dumbledore, but shortly after there were a series of other names – mostly student names, followed by their year and House name. Near the top were James Potter, Lily Evans, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin, who were all Gryffindors in their seventh year.  
  
The words 'Head Boy' were written beside James Potter's name. Upon seeing this, the moustache automatically put Potter on the top of its list, for the Head Boy spoke with the Headmaster quite often. The moustache may not have had a proper brain stored safely in a skull like the rest of us, but it certainly was not daft.  
  
So the moustache set off toward the Gryffindor common room, having been given a map of Hogwarts as well. How it managed to store such large pieces of parchment within its small, hairy form, nobody knew, save perhaps itself and Lord Voldemort. Then again, those were the only, shall we say, _living creatures_, that knew that this moustache existed at all in the first place... for now.  
  
When the moustache came to the portrait of the Fat Lady, it realized that there was no way for it to get in unless somebody opened the 'door' for it. Patiently, it waited for the next student to go in. With a call of, "Cornish hens!" from a fast-approaching Gryffindor, the portrait swung open to reveal the Gryffindor common room. The moustache followed the student inside, unseen and hot on his heels.  
  
It was early in the afternoon and classes were over, so the moustache decided to check the dormitories first. Looking around, it saw that there were two staircases leading upwards. Since pulling out the Hogwarts map to check which stairs led to the boys' dormitories would attract too much attention, the moustache had to wait quietly in the shadows for some kind of clue.  
  
Finally it got this clue when it saw a group of girls descending from the staircase to the left of the portrait hole. So the moustache, keeping close to the wall as well as behind plants, couches, and other furniture, made its way across half of the common room to the _right _staircase. It moved very much like a spider, being able to scuttle across the wall with the same amount of effort it took to move along the floor.  
  
When it reached the staircase, though, it had nearly no place to hide from oncoming students... at least not on ground level. It decided instead to creep upstairs along the shadowed ceiling.  
  
It got to the seventh year boys' dormitory and heard muffled voices coming from inside. Slipping through the crack under the door, the moustache quickly hid in a clump of dirty laundry to... _observe.  
_  
Two young men were having a conversation. One had messy, jet-black hair, while the other's hair was a sandy blonde. The black-haired one radiated with confidence, while the blonde one... not so much.  
  
"Don't worry mate," the black-haired one assured, "every man has to start shaving at one point. Just that you're going to start a little later than others."  
  
The other boy sighed. "Others? Try the whole male population of Hogwarts. Remus Lupin, nearly eighteen and still hasn't shaved the hair off his face."  
  
Remus Lupin. The name was on the moustache's list...  
  
But he wasn't James Potter.  
  
"Hey, it's nothing to worry about," Lupin's friend grinned, "I'll show you a Shaving Charm myself – gets it done quick and easy."  
  
Remus smiled weakly. "Thanks, James. That'll save me a heap of embarrassment."  
  
"No problem," the black-haired boy said.  
  
_He_ was James Potter.  
  
But James Potter was an experienced shaver, with black hair. Neither would be a suitable condition for the moustache to paste itself upon this young man's face. Remus, on the other hand...  
  
Lighter hair, never shaved before – it probably wouldn't seem odd to him if, on the morning after he had first shaved, a thin moustache appeared on his face. He would dismiss it as fast-growing facial hair.  
  
The tough part would be to stop Lupin from shaving the moustache off again. But that would be dealt with when the time came. For now, the moustache had to ensure that it got _on_ in the first place.  
  
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Finally, after having stayed hidden under Remus' bed for many hours, the seventh year boys' dormitory was silent and the moustache was free to roam about.  
  
The moustache, though, didn't take much of a liking to roaming. It believed in getting it done as quickly, efficiently, and precisely as possible. Even a moustache of little experience had its own philosophies – especially when it was an evil, sadistic, living moustache.  
  
It climbed up the bed sheets and rested atop Lupin's bed. Unluckily for the moustache, the curtains were shut tight. It was a mystery as to how the moustache could see, but no matter the case it needed light like the rest of us. But then again, a tuft of hair was rather sensitive – extremely so. It could feel its way to the right spot on the young man's face and plant itself there with little effort. Vision was just a bonus.  
  
Finally, after a slow and painful process, it was sitting snugly above Remus' upper lip. In its 'head,' the moustache chanted an incantation that it had known since before its very existence. Slowly, it became more and more attached to the skin that Remus had shaven previously. There were no hairs sticking out of the pores to deny the moustache from settling in – which only made the process quicker.  
  
The moustache had attached itself to Remus Lupin, its enemy and victim, unknown on Remus' part. The deed was done. Now all it had to do was keep quiet and wait for Dumbledore's plans to unfold before it before basking in Voldemort's glory.  
  
The next morning, all went as planned. Remus thought that his moustache had grown back quickly and, though surprised, had taken a bit of a liking to it. The moustache, now physically attached to him, could also read the young man's thoughts. It knew that Remus thought he looked mature and rather dashing with his small line of facial hair sitting snugly under his nose.  
  
Little did he know what this moustache had planned for him...

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**To be continued.  
  
A/N: Please review! And also (my little bit of shameless self-promotion) please check out taniita's (that's me) fic, called Hate Everything About You. It's Lily/James and I hope you check it out! xD**


	2. Chapter 1: The Return Journey

Unshaven and on the Loose  
  
Type: Collaboration parody of PoA.  
  
Summary: Remus Lupin, a new teacher at Hogwarts, is rather fond of his moustache. That is, until he finds out that it's alive - and working for Voldemort. How hard will it be to stop his moustache from wreaking havoc upon Hogwarts? Harder than he expected...  
  
A/N: Lol Hi everyone who's reading this! This is Itami here. I hope you will enjoy my chapter! And well if you don't... Bear with me and prepare to read another of Tani's get chapters Hahah... I must admit this chapter isn't all that interesting since it's only the beginning. But I have plans... Plans for the weirdest chapters ahead! laughs evily I know my writing style is umm... weird and not as much fun to read as Tani's but yea ! I still hope you will like it. Thank you for those people that reviewed!   
  
Disclaimer: Anything copyrighted by J. K. Rowling is hers anything by us is ours :3 I think you are smart enough to know which is which.  
  
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Chapter 1: The Return Journey  
  
The Hogwarts Express gleamed in the September sun. Rays of light glinted off its smooth scarlet surface. It had been over thirteen years since Remus Lupin had last seen the red locomotive that stood before him. How glad he was to be going back to Hogwarts, but this time as a teacher. Lupin looked down at his watch and realized he was quite early; well then again he never did like being tardy. Picking up his battered suitcase, he walked onto the train.  
  
Inside there was empty compartment after empty compartment. Lupin strode all the way to the end of the train, yawning. He wanted to get some sleep; he hadn't had a good night's sleep for about a week due to the full moon. He hoped taking the last compartment would mean no disturbances.   
  
Entering the compartment, he gingerly placed his suitcase on the luggage rack and sat down on the bench. Everything was still quiet. Lupin closed his eyes and soon sleep had found him.   
  
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For a day that started out so sunny everything had become the complete opposite of sun. It was raining steadily outside the train. The rain beat on the windows and the wind howled loudly. It was quite gloomy and dark outside and was getting steadily darker. The moustache was watching Lupin's dream out of boredom. In his dream, Lupin was sitting on top of a mound of Honeydukes chocolates and eating giant chocolate frogs. This was making the moustache sick. _How much chocolate does that man need? _ It quickly turned its attention elsewhere, for if it could, it would have vomited.   
  
The tuft of hair on Lupin's upper lip listened instead to the talk of three children sharing their compartment. They were third years, as the mustache deduced by their talk of visiting Hogsmeade for the first time. Two of them (one was a boy with flaming red hair and the other was a girl with busy brown hair) seemed very excited, but the last one – the one that looked strangely familiar with his dark mess of hair - was upset that he couldn't go. The mustache racked its 'brain' for the name to match the face. _Who was he?_  
  
Ron (as the mustache found out to be the redhead) took out an old issue of the _Daily Prophet_ from of his trunk and began to examine a picture, then suddenly looked up seeming a little disturbed.  
  
"Hey guys," Hermione (the bushy haired girl) looked up from her book and Harry (the one the moustache thought looked familiar) turned to see what Ron was pointing at, "Look at the git in the picture scratching his..."  
  
"Oh Ron!" Hermione pushed the newspaper into Ron, "Did you honesty think we needed to see _that_?"  
  
"Well, no but..." Ron had turned red and now found interest looking out the window still holding the now-wrinkled newspaper in his hands and leaving the question unanswered.   
  
Harry suppressed a snicker; "You'd think he would have the dignity to walk out of the picture for that." Hermione shook her head disapprovingly and returned to her book.  
  
If the moustache could laugh it would have done so now. 

_These children are _highly _amusing, _it thought, _It would be great fun to do something with them…_

As it mused about what fun it would be messing around with the children's brains, the rain outside thickened and the train sped yet farther north; the windows were a solid, shimmering grey, which gradually darkened until lanterns flickered into life all along the corridors and over the luggage racks. The train rattled, the rain hammered, and the wind roared.  
  
"We must be nearly there," said Ron, leaning forward to look past Lupin at the now completely black window.   
  
The words had barely left him when the train started to slow down.   
  
"Brilliant," said Ron, getting up and walking carefully past Lupin to try and see outside. "I'm starving, I want to get to the feast..."   
  
The moustache twitched. It sensed something coming closer as the train slowed to a stop. It was something unearthly, some not really alive. It shivered, as everything suddenly turned just a bit colder. The moustache knew what it could be; the only thing that could take the happiness away and make everything cold and bitter as it drew closer. It was a –   
  
_Dementor._  
  
The moustache beckoned the Dementor closer, finally able to use some of the powers Voldemort had given it. 

_Yes, come closer… Closer…_

The moustache willed the lamps to go out and now everyone was plunged into total darkness.  
  
"What's going on?" said Ron from behind Harry.  
  
"Ouch!" gasped Hermione. "Ron, that was my foot!"  
  
"D'you think we've broken down?"   
  
_Come onto the train… Closer… Closer…_  
  
"Dunno..."   
  
There was a squeaking sound made by Ron wiping a patch clean on the window and peering out.  
  
"There's something moving out there," Ron said. "I think people are coming aboard..."   
  
_Come to this compartment… Closer… Closer…_  
  
The compartment door suddenly opened. There was a small thud.  
  
"Sorry! D'you know what's going on? Ouch! Sorry –"  
  
"Hullo, Neville"  
  
"Harry is that you? What's happening?"  
  
"No idea! Sit down –"   
  
There was a loud hissing and a yelp of pain; the boy called Neville had tried to sit on a ginger cat.  
  
"I'm going to go and ask the driver what's going on,"   
  
The moustache heard the door slide open, then two squeals of pain.  
  
"Who's that?"  
  
"Who's _that_?"  
  
"Ginny?"   
  
"Hermione?"  
  
"What are you doing?"   
  
The moustache was pleased about confusion it was causing, but sadly Lupin now fully awake from the noise caused by the confusion knew exactly what was going on.  
  
"Ouch!"   
  
"Quiet!" Lupin said hoarsely. No one spoke. Lupin brought his wand from inside his worn robes and pointed it at his hands. "_Lumos Manis_," he whispered. There was a soft crackling noise and he was holding a handful of flames which illuminated his tired grey face.  
  
"Stay where you are," he said to everyone in the compartment; they all looked utterly confused. Lupin slowly got to his feet with his handful of fire held out in front of him. 

_No! He's going to ruin my fun… I won't let that happen. Come quicker! Hurry up! Hurry up! You have legs! Wait… Do you have legs? Oh never mind, just HURRY! _

Lupin reached for the door, but the door slowly slid open of its own accord and standing in the doorway, illuminated by the shivering flames in Lupin's hand, was a cloaked figure that towered to the ceiling. Its face was completely hidden beneath its hood. From under its cloak it produced a glistening, grayish, slimy-looking and scabbed hand. It was like something dead that had rotted underwater.  
  
The Dementor seemed to be very interested in Harry. It glided a little closer seeming to look at him. Harry went rigid and fell to the ground, looking like he was having a fit. Lupin quickly stepped over Harry to confront the Dementor.  
  
"None of us is hiding Sirius Black under our cloaks. Go." Lupin said firmly.  
  
The Dementor just stood there.   
  
Lupin pointed his wand at the Dementor and muttered, "_Expecto Patronus_". A silver chocolate bar came shooting out towards the Dementor. At the sight of the chocolate bar, the Dementor backed off. Of course, no one noticed what the Patronus was for they were all still in shock from seeing the Dementor and feeling too horrible to notice.  
  
The lamps flickered back on and the train slowly started again, for the moustache knew it was beaten – for now.  
  
_Oh well… at least it was fun while it lasted._  
  
There was silence in the compartment as everyone stared at where the Dementor had been only moments ago.   
  
"Oh no!" the silence was broken. Hermione realized Harry had collapsed and fallen off his seat. She kneeled down and looked over Harry.  
  
"What's wrong with Harry?" Ron said nervously, kneeling over him opposite of Hermione.  
  
"Is he alright?" Neville said, peering over Hermione's bushy hair.  
  
"Harry! Harry!" Hermione started slapping his face lightly, hoping he would wake up. "Are you alright?"  
  
"W-what?" Harry shook his head slowly and opened his eyes, with cold sweat on his face. Hermione and Ron heaved Harry back onto his seat.  
  
"Are you OK?" Ron asked nervously.  
  
"Yeah," said Harry, glancing at the door.  
  
"What happened? Where's that – that thing? Who screamed?"  
  
"No one screamed," said Ron, more nervously still. Harry looked around the bright compartment. Ginny and Neville looked back at him, both very pale.   
  
_He heard someone, did he now…_  
  
"But I heard screaming –"   
  
Lupin broke an enormous chocolate bar into pieces with a loud snap, startling everyone.  
  
"Here." Lupin handed Harry a large piece of chocolate, "Eat it. It'll help"   
  
Harry took the chocolate but didn't eat it.   
  
"What was that thing?" Harry asked Lupin.   
  
"A Dementor," said Lupin, giving everyone else some chocolate. "One of the Dementors of Azkaban."   
  
Everyone stared at him. Lupin crumpled the empty chocolate wrapper and stuffed it into his pocket.  
  
"Eat," he repeated. "It'll help. I need to speak to the driver, excuse me..." He strolled past Harry and into the corridor...  
  
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It was a great feeling to be back at Hogwarts again. He was stuffed. He hadn't had so much food since he'd left school. It felt good; usually he would be quite hungry, but not wanting to spend much money. He was, after all, a werewolf and it was quite hard to get a job, _any_ job ever since that _Umbridge_ woman had made that law.   
  
'Hmph... Oh well. I have a job now, thanks to Dumbledore.' Lupin thought, smiling slightly.  
  
Lupin leaned back in his chair and looked around his bare quarters, wondering what he should do for a first lesson. Well actually, he knew what he wanted to do already; to show the students how to defend themselves against Boggarts. But the problem was, how was he going to find a Boggart for the next day?   
  
The moustache heard his thoughts and was now brewing some devious plan of its own. Something that would hopefully cause some chaos.  
  
_A Boggart, eh? Well that could be arranged._  
  
The lamps all around Hogwarts slowly flickered out save the ones in Lupin's quarters. He was now thinking of old times at Hogwarts with James, Peter, and, Sirius. How they used to play pranks and how they understood him still when they found out he was a werewolf. How they helped him cope by becoming Animagi.  
  
'It's odd what time has revealed, and what fate has done. James and Peter are both dead and Sirius – the most wanted wizard.'   
  
Lupin looked out the window to the grounds. It was a beautiful night after all the rain. The moon light was reflected by the lake, giving it an eerie but beautiful atmosphere. The Whomping Willow swayed slightly in the wind as the stars twinkled. Lupin yawned and realized how late into the night it was. He got changed and went to bed, slowly drifting to sleep as some owls few by his window, hooting lightly.   
  
When the moustache was sure Lupin was asleep, it began an incantation, the same one he used to attach itself to Lupin all those years ago. It felt itself being detached and let loose, and finally it hopped down to the stone floor.   
  
_Finally. I'm loose… Now Lupin did ask for a Boggart, and it's the least I can to for my host…_The moustache thought. It wasn't a kind, helpful thought though. It was an evil thought. He scurried across the cold floor and snuck under the door... 

_To Be Continued…_

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A/N: Yes I know I copied stuff from PoA but hey this is only to start the story. I wish I could have made this chapter funnier... Hmmm... But I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless :3 Hugs to Tani who edited my text xD haha.  
  
To Reviewers:  
  
Again THANKOO for reviewing :3 Muchly appreciated.  
  
Padfoot the evil-elf: Lol thankoo! Disturbing? Lol which part of it? =P  
  
Moon Archer: xD Haha Glad you like the idea :3  
  
LunaShadows: Hopefully his moustache isn't really evil and bent on taking over the world D: And Thankoo for adding this to your favorites xD  
  
Clayin: Thankoo so much!  
  
- Itami 


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